Why do you study so much for a thing you’ll forget in some years? Why spend so much time of your youth chained to a desk, eyes locked on words you don’t really understand the motive for “learning”? Why say you’re teaching or learning something if, actually, it’s just text decoration? Why lose so many years to this? Is it nothing, is it a waste of time, is it a step you have to climb in the stair of life? Why does it feel like a mountain with an infinite number of peaks?
All these thoughts running around Sugawara’s head were heavy and depressing, but he let them go with a deep breath that turns to fog in the cold air of autumn, his eyes looking straight to the travel ads on the agency on his way to the school where he teaches.
It’s been years since he started this career, a few less since he moved to this specific school, and he’s been walking up and down this street from the first day. This exact place went from a bakery to a travel agency, and Sugawara has been looking longingly at each new ad they put on their big window. He almost always felt a little bit empty when doing it.
His friends all already traveled far, even overseas, and alone. Look at Noya, freshly back to Japan after years traveling the world and working abroad. He’ll probably be back to whatever country soon enough, after the feeling of being back home fades and it doesn’t feel like home anymore. And Sugawara… Well. He went to Tokyo a few times, but… None of them were really tourist visits. Although he saw the famous Sky Tree and the Tokyo Tower, he never went inside, nor did he visit any of the other tourist attractions.
Sugawara felt something was lacking. As if he had lost his youth to his studies.
And not only that.
Thinking about it again, he is one of the few of his batch that isn’t married or has a significant other yet, and he’s already near his thirties.
It’s not that he never heard his family, teachers, coworkers and even said friends, talking about it, asking him about it. Because they do. And Sugawara hates it. Not the “please stop trying to control my life” or the “please I don’t want to talk about it”, but as in “please don’t make me think about the fact that I never felt a romantic feeling for anyone in my entire life”.
With a resigned sigh, Sugawara turned around and continued his path to school. He had a job to do and his kids were waiting for him.
And isn’t it ironic? His life, since he remembers, is a constant cycle of the same activities: study, eat dinner, study again, sleep, wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, play volleyball, study, eat lunch, study, volleyball, home, study, dinner, study, sleep, repeat. And repeat. Almost seven days a week.
It was rare the times he took to himself, to being a teenager and appreciating his friends and his life. Why couldn’t he remember most of those days, though?
“Ah, stop thinking.” he murmured to himself with an eyeroll.
That’s the thing, the more you try not to think about something specific, the more you think about it. So, for the rest of the day, it was almost the only thing on his mind, blaring like an alarm every time he wasn’t busy. It made him feel gloomy, sighing like the tired adult he, unfortunately, is.
On the way back to his lonely apartment, Sugawara once again stood in front of the travel agency window, thinking impossible things like how he could afford that cruise or how much cheaper than he thought the prices for a week-long vacation to Australia was. Maybe he should go to the Maldives, he saw some pretty spectacular hotels above the seawater. Ah, Thailand is somewhat cheap too…
Sugawara sighed again, continuing his way.
He treated himself that night with an expensive burger combo from the gourmet burger restaurant near his building, eating in front of his big television - a rather extravagant purchase on his part - while watching a travel vlog from a Japanese couple living in Paris.
After four videos and a new channel subscription, Sugawara went to sleep, having made his lesson plan for the whole week already during the weekends. His heart was in turmoil, though, and he laid awake on his bed for long hours until finally, his eyes closed.
When he woke up, early in the morning, there was a text message from Hinata on their group chat. It was a pleasant surprise and he quickly opened with a loud yawn.
From: Karasuta 𓄿
[4:32 AM] Hinata: Sorry, guys, I won’t be back for Christmas and new years this year (｡•́︿•̀｡)
[4:32 AM] Hinata: My apartment contract finishes that week and I have to find a new one ( ≧Д≦)
[5:08 AM] Noya: Shouyou! o(TヘTo)
[5:08 AM] Noya: Maybe I’ll fly to you www let’s spend the new years together!
[5:09 AM] Hinata: Yessss!!! Noya-san!!! Come!!! Let’s eat lots of meat together!!! wktk wktk
[5:39 AM] Ennoshita: That’s sad Hinata >< but, really… Why do you guys wake so early…
[5:40 AM] Hinata: ‘Cause it’s 5 in the afternoon here ☆⌒(≧▽° )
[5:44 AM] Ennoshita: Sorry, sorry, forgot you’re back in Brazil (シ. .)シ
[5:44 AM] Hinata: You guys should visit me sometime!! Kenma and Kuroo-san already came, you know!!
[6:02 AM] Ennoshita: Sorry, Hinata… too poor, too poor… _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):_
Yeah. Too poor.
No, actually. Sugawara himself isn’t so poor he couldn’t spare a bit for travel. He could go somewhere during vacation, but he never really went anywhere, unless it’s his parents’ house. He probably can’t afford an overseas trip, though. He is an elementary school teacher afterall, so no big paycheck at the end of the month for him and his coworkers.
With a big, tired sigh, he got up, throwing his phone somewhere on his rumpled bed, and went to start his morning routine.
The travel agency was still there when he walked through town, but he ignored it and continued his way. On the way back, he did the same. And then, on the next three days, he repeated this process, feeling as if he was running from something.
As the days passed by, Sugawara felt more and more unmoored.
And then, one day, he received a dreaded call from his brother while in the middle of his lunch break when he knew his schedule. It’s strange, but he didn’t think twice before accepting the call.
“Hello? Kota?”
“Nii-san.” came the shaking breath through the phone “Nii-san, it’s Grandpa.” Sugawara’s stomach convulsed with foreboding, “What happened?” He put his chopsticks down on the plate, already knowing what he was about to hear.
“Grandpa’s gone,” his brother almost whimpered. “I don’t know what happened yet, but I think it was something with his heart.”
“Oh.” Sugawara didn’t know what to say, he felt numb, more than normal, at that moment, “When…” he cleared his throat when his voice cracked, waving to a colleague to not worry “When’s the funeral? Should I go back home?”
There were faraway voices through the call and he heard Kota’s voice asking something to someone, probably their mother.
“Yeah, Mom said you should. I think the funeral’s tomorrow? I… I don’t know how these things function.” he chuckled “I don’t remember Grandma’s… Do you want to talk to mom?”
“No.” Sugawara sighed loudly “No, I’ll take the last train tonight.”
“…Ok.” he could hear the sound of his brother breathing heavily against his phone mic “I’ll wait for you.”
Thinking a thousand thoughts a minute, Sugawara hung up on his brother after a brief goodbye. There’s so many things to do and so little time… First things first, he should talk to his principal and explain his situation as he needs to take a few days off to attend the funeral and help his parents.
Ah… Kota must be so sad, he was so close to their grandfather, more than Sugawara ever was. He was so young when their grandmother died, just before Sugawara’s second highschool year, and they were all sure the old man would follow his late wife not much after, and were pleasantly surprised when the little Kota clung to him, demanding attention and affection. And that may as well have saved their grandfather until now.
At least he lived well, Sugawara thought.
(But what about himself? What if he ends up dead tomorrow? Would someone say he lived well?)
(Probably not)
He knocked on the principal’s office door after talking with her secretary and waited to be allowed to enter. They were pleasant to each other, as they normally were, and Sugawara told her about his grandfather passing away and how his family needed him back home for this. The principal sighed heavily, taking off her glasses with a pinched expression that did not bring any good feelings.
“Sugawara-san… First of all, I’m sorry for your loss, unfortunately I know how it is, and you can take as much time as you want to mourn and help your family,” she smiled. “But, also… I was just marking down a day next week for a meeting with all the school staff to tell you something important about the school. And that is… Ah…”
Sugawara’s stomach was twitching painfully inside his belly. This doesn’t sound good.
“The owner of the school passed away last month, as we all know, and his descendants do not want to continue owning it. They all have their own responsibilities away from the city and the region, and do not want to add it to it. Their lawyer contacted me yesterday afternoon and I’ve been planning what to say, but the summary is that the school will be sold to someone interested and they already found one. The unpleasant part is that this supposed buyer wants to renovate everything to their taste, and that includes the staff.”
“Oh.” It was the only thing he could say “So, we’re all unemployed as soon as the school’s sold?”
The principal sighed again “Basically, yes. Including me,” she chuckled darkly. “I’ll talk to the staff soon so they have more time to seek options, and then, the parents.”
“Who’ll probably not be that much affected.” Sugawara almost rolled his eyes.
“…Yeah.” The principal shook her head. To be honest, Sugawara had never seen her being so expressive and casual before this meeting “Well. I’m sorry for your loss once again, please don’t be too anxious about the future, you’re still young.”
“Thank you, Principal,” he nodded. “I’ll be leaving tonight, if that’s alright?”
“It’s alright, don’t worry about it,” she waved her hand. “But, please, do come back before two weeks.”
When he closed the door behind him, the sound was almost too loud. His head was blank, like a canvas waiting for the artist to begin his painting. Like his resume when he started university. The secretary looked at him with sympathy and nodded sadly to him as Sugawara walked out.
The walk back home was fast and silent, he didn’t even look at the travel agency window. And the train trip back home was even more uneventful, his mind too full and empty at the same time. His grandfather’s funeral came and passed, as numbing as he thought it would be.
Sugawara sat with his mother and little brother to talk seriously. His grandfather, her father, had some properties and valuables in his home and they had to deal with it. He hid everything about his upcoming unemployment.
“Do any of you want the house?” she asked and they shook their heads “Ok, so we’ll sell everything. Then we’ll split the money between you two.”
“What about you?” Kota asked.
“I don’t really need it.” she smiled.
And that was that.
Later that night, when everyone was asleep, he told his mother about the school situation.
“Why not take a break from work and travel for a while? For a month or two. Use your grandpa’s money.” she said “You told me all your friends are traveling, why not you too?”
Sugawara didn’t say anything for a moment, looking up to the television “Why not…” he nodded, contemplating.
“You’re still young, you can go out on an adventure.” she chuckled.
Is he? Still young, that is. He doesn’t feel like he is.
Christmas that year was happier. He went out with his friends to a singles party and drank and ate and had a lot of fun. On New Years he went back home to meet his family again, and then met his highschool friends at another party and that was fun too, but he went back home and, once again, he was alone. All the warm feelings from hugs, pats and friendly slaps fading into memories.
Is this his life now? Living alone and lonely?
Spring came slowly, bringing the greenery back together with warmer weather, and also Sugawaa’s unemployment (as well as his colleagues’). They said the goodbyes between tears and well wishes the day after the last school day for the children. Sugawara walked back home alone with a heavy bag and a big folder in his hand.
There were new ads on the travel agency window.
Why not?
He walked inside the agency with a smile.
From: Karasuta 𓄿
[11:02 AM] Suga: Hey Hinata, are your roommates ok with a visit?
[11:02 AM] Hinata: what
[11:02 AM] Noya: what
[11:03 AM] Daichi: What?
Brazil was colder than he thought it would be.
Hinata said it was fall, the last month of it, and that sometimes it’s colder than winter and that his city is a lot colder than others. And isn’t it peculiar? Winter in August! Sugawara was kind of amazed at the differences between Japan and South America. Ah, it’s so nice to learn new things, to experience new things! How exciting!
The trip itself was hell; almost two days and three planes and three countries until he finally landed at São Paulo’s international airport with so much jetlag that he ended up sleeping for 12 hours straight as soon as he laid in bed. Fortunately, he and Hinata had exchanged travel info between each other and they traveled together to Brazil as the younger man was on vacation and spent two weeks back home in Japan, so he didn’t feel overwhelmed or got lost. For someone who had never stepped inside an airplane, Sugawara was actually relieved to have company.
“Good morning, Suga-san!” Hinata happily greeted him from the dining table, a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Morning,” Sugawara greeted back with a yawn. “What are we supposed to do today?”
“I thought we could go to the MASP because today is free entry,” he shrugged.
“To where?”
“It’s the most famous museum here,” Hinata chuckled. “It’s nice, and we could walk around Paulista Avenue for a while until we have to go to the football museum. What do you think?”
“Sure.”
Sugawara would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited by everything since he stepped on the first plane. This is all he wanted, after all - a new experience, an adventure, to see what his friends saw and liked when traveling the world. Even a subway trip was eventful! There was someone selling something and a small group playing some instruments and making some nice music! Sugawara gave them a 5 note and smiled at them.
Hinata looked highly amused at him, but didn’t say anything, only giving some advice and explaining things - there was a Japanese neighborhood here! And it was so easy to find! The same line that passed near Hinata’s apartment stopped there!
They exchanged subway lines and soon enough they were going up to the surface again.
“What a lovely day,” Sugawara said out loud, looking up to the clear sky.
“Haha, you’re right,” Hinata pulled him to cross the big avenue. “There it is.” He pointed to a big red and black glass modern structure above ground.
“Woah…”
There was a line to enter and a few people recognized Hinata while they waited. Sugawara couldn’t understand a word they were saying to each other, but it was nice to hear. Portuguese was a fun language, it was almost like the people were singing instead of talking, sometimes. Soon enough both of them were inside and looking at beautiful art.
Honestly, Sugawara had never gone to a museum before if it wasn’t for school - and that never left him with much time to enjoy himself wherever they were during excursions with kids - so this was nice. He convinced Hinata to take a picture of him in front of a painting of Jesus with his hands up, as if rolling his eyes at something or someone - The Blessing Christ, made in France a long time ago. A funny picture he made sure to post on his (full of cobwebs) Instagram, together with a selfie with Hinata pointing to their little MASP stickers while the museum itself stood behind them from the other side of the street.
“Suga-san!” Hinata called, pointing to a café excitedly, “I have to make you eat pão de queijo!”
“What is that?” Sugawara chuckled, walking to one of the empty tables.
“I don’t really know,” Hinata laughed, “It’s supposed to be bread with cheese, or something.” he shrugged.
It didn’t take long for a waiter to come to them, and not much longer to have their food and beverage in front of them. There was a cool breeze from behind Sugawara and the loud sound of trees moving with it and, looking over his shoulder, he realized there was a park right beside. How cool!
The cheese bread (Sugawara knew he wouldn’t pronounce it right so he didn’t even try) was actually very good and he extracted a promise out of Hinata to eat it again sometime soon.
Night had fallen a long time ago when they finally stepped inside the apartment, and Hinata’s roommate was cooking something that smelled delicious. Sugawara was feeling so much happiness, something he hadn’t felt in so long; he was deeply glad to have made his own impulsive decision. The day passed so quickly and he had so much fun, even scoring a goal in the football museum, buying a jersey on the store from a team he didn’t know, and could never pronounce its name, but he liked it because it was black and reminded him of Karasuno and his happy teenage years.
This first day was already so good, Sugawara can’t wait for the next two weeks!
“Welcome back!” the roommate said in heavily accented Japanese, a big smile on their face.
“We’re back!” they said back with a laugh.
Hinata introduced them quickly, talking about how his roommate, Vini-san, has to get out early to get to his job so that’s why they didn’t see each other in the morning. The man was nice to Sugawara, clearly friendly, and knew only a few words in Japanese because of anime so communication was a bit hard between them.
“Vini-san is actually from the north and came here to work a few years ago,” Hinata explained. “He said he cooked something from there because, according to him, northern food is better than the food here,” he laughed.
There was a lot of food on the small table and they ate almost all of it, drinking guaraná and exchanging tales of youth. Ah… Sugawara felt so light, like a cloud floating in good feelings. Good food, good company, extremely good experience until now, there’s nothing more he could ask for.
When he went back home after those two weeks, full of souvenirs and all kinds of food, some clothes and accessories he didn’t even know why he bought, belly full of meat and phone full of pictures, Sugawara was ready to find a new school, a new job, and to start planning his next trip. Maybe he could ask his brother to accompany him. It’s unfair to have an adventure alone, after all.
Now Sugawara knows why his friends are always traveling the world. And he can say, in the future, that he lived a good life.
He’s happy. That’s all he wanted, in the end.
He is still young, after all.
From: Karasuta 𓄿
[14:02 PM] Suga: Back home~~ Thanks for everything, Hinata!
[14:10 PM] Hinata: I had fun!! You can come again anytime, suga-san!!
[14:11 PM] Noya: Suga is now a riaju www
[14:33 PM] Ennoshita: Good job Suga~ welcome back
[14:49 PM] Daichi: Welcome back
[15:22 PM] Asahi: Riaju Suga….