The morning rays were rather obnoxious if he was being honest inside his own thoughts. He didn’t appreciate their intensity. They were far too bright already, and they weren’t going to let up at all, no. They were only going to get brighter, shine harder, and Sugawara Koushi just didn’t like it. He didn’t have to like the sun, did he? No, he did not. He understood that the world needed the sun to keep spinning. It wasn’t just the light and warmth it gave, there were the gravitational forces to consider as well. It was useful. It could not be denied the sun was vital and important. He didn’t make any attempts to deny its importance. The sun was necessary.
Just like the moon. The moon was just as important as the sun. The moon reflected the light of the sun and also had gravitational force. It pulled at the Earth in a dizzying display of raw power — perhaps celestial bodies were just like that. Powerful. Obvious. Extra. Sugawara knew they were like that, because he had studied this stuff in school at some point in time. A point, honestly, which he couldn’t really remember all that well anymore. It wasn’t like it was important to his day-to-day life, anyway.
What was important to his day to day lifestyle?
Sometimes, he wasn’t really sure.
Did he have to be sure, though? He didn’t think so. Life was full of uncertainty. It was meant to be filled with uncertainty, this he knew. But, no one liked the uncertainty of the unknown.
It was a free day for him. There was no set thing he was required to do by a higher authority. Sugawara wasn’t sure if this felt like a good thing or a bad thing. Both. Neither.
He decided to go out for a walk. Taking a walk was always a good idea, unless you were an idiot and hadn’t eaten in hours, dressed in long sleeves, and decided to walk for 40 minutes straight in 90 degree Fahrenheit weather… Because… well. That wasn’t a good thing, and no, this wasn’t something Sugawara had ever done before, not at all, nope! He was not that stupid. Not that foolish. He had a good head on his shoulders. Good common sense. Someone else had done it, sure, but he hadn’t.
A walk was a good idea for him. Maybe he could clear his head free of the darkness inside. Sugawara Koushi wasn’t known for darkness. He was the epitome of bright smiles. Encouragement. That was more his brand. He had a reputation to uphold, didn’t he?
Did his reputation matter when he was alone? Did the face he put on for others have weight when he didn’t have to wear it for himself? Was he? Was he still wearing his façade for himself? Even when he was alone? Was he? Was he? Was he?
His footsteps grew larger, got faster, and he broke into a light run. Not too hard. Not entirely gentle, either.
Right somewhere along the middle.
Is that why he had ended up in his position? Was that the thing which had turned his life into this? Whatever this was. Not good enough. Neither too hard nor too soft. Too lukewarm. Was that it? Was that what had done it? Was this the reason for his life turning into something so mediocre?
Should he have fought harder? How could he have done more? Should he have done more? Did any of this even matter if that was all in the past? Now, in his present, running towards his future, did thinking back make a difference? What was the point?
It had been such a long time that all this had happened. So many years had flooded by him as he continued to live an average life. A Sugawara Koushi type of life.
What did that mean?
Did he want to live as Sugawara Koushi?
His feet came to a halt, an impromptu, spur-of-the-moment type of sudden standstill. His lungs burned, but only slightly. This was nothing compared to some of the volleyball drills he had gone through, back in those days. The days they had been fighting for nationals. Fighting for a chance just to get to nationals.
All those memories were so faint. So vivid, but oh so faint. Like looking into a mirror by staring into the reflection of water to look into the mirror. Disturbed. Deeply disturbing.
He had barely played. So little. So little time on the court. So little time holding the ball. So little time.
Not enough. More. He wanted more. Hadn’t he deserved more?
Too little. Not enough to satisfy his soul. He craved time back. He wanted to demand his clock be rewound and set back to those moments. He wanted his time back. He wanted a redo. A do-over of his life. Kageyama was not the only good setter Karasuno had, in those days. Hadn’t Sugawara been enough? Couldn’t he have been given more chances? Why not him? Why had it not been him? Had he agreed to being benched too easily? Should he have fought more? Why did he regret what was, for the most part, a successful run with his friends and fellow teammates?
Koushi looked up.
Cherry blossoms. He was surrounded by cherry blossoms. All around him were the soft scent carried with a gentle breeze. So much pink contrasted with a dark and heady sort of brown shade that made up the trunks of the trees. All around him, there were cherry blossoms, and the petals flowed around him as if they existed for him and him alone. It was just Sugawara with a plethora of beautiful pink petals falling all around.
No.
No, his time had been enough. He had made the right decisions. He would never be a Kageyama Tobio. That life was not for him. He had chosen a path that was just made for Sugawara Koushi. That was enough. He knew it was enough for himself.
Cupping a petal in his hand, he pocketed a few petals and slowly walked back home with a leisurely pace, not a care in the world. No one would ever be the wiser for his thoughts, for the loss of his mask, and it was okay. No one needed to know. No one would ever find out about the beautiful moment he had experienced alone. Time had slowed for him. Just for him. That moment was golden, and to share it might have tainted the solidarity, might have made it less special
So, Sugawara never shared it with anyone. Not Daichi nor Asahi. None of his co-workers. Not his young athlete friends who were off living their best lives. His kouhais would never hear him even breathe or make mention of it. Kiyoko would not live to hear a peep of this moment from his lips.
“Kou-chan~ what are these from?”
Sugawara looked at the faded pink petals he had framed. A soft and mysterious smile played about his lips. He turned to the other with a devious grin. An innocent smile. Both. Neither.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”